Missing Assignment?
Why didn’t you turn that in? The winning answer is… “I don’t know.”
As parents, we wonder “how could they not know?”
When they don’t come up with an answer, we give it to them: “you didn’t want to, you’re just lazy, you forgot, you’re too busy on your phone, you got caught up playing video games…”
The truth is…they might NOT know. They are emotional, their brains are impulsive, and their decision-making skills are not fully developed.
Solving the Mystery: Here are 3 Truths about Missing Assignments.
The overall and most crucial truth is that most teens are guided by emotions. In the brain, their frontal lobes are not yet developed, which leaves the amygdala in charge. What this means is that fear is in charge.
Truth #1: Control feels better than fear.
When fear is in charge, and they are confused or frustrated about their assignment, they freeze. They might ask for help, but most often, rather than take a risk, they would rather avoid the whole assignment. By not turning it in, they are in control, and that feels better in the short term than fear, doubt and frustration. When faced with danger, we fight or flee. That’s the flee.
Truth #2: Avoiding feels better than “I’m not good enough.”
Students often say they didn’t think they did a good job on an assignment, or it wasn’t as good as everyone else’s, so they didn’t turn it in. Some students aren’t willing to take a risk of a C or even a B, so they fail on purpose. They avoid the uncomfortable feelings by pushing them aside. This again feels better in the short term, and they face the consequences later.
Truth #3: They react on emotion, not a thought.
Teens aren’t always aware of their thoughts and emotions, nor can they tell the difference. Their brains are moving so fast, and they have so many thoughts each minute that they can’t slow them down. This leads them to react rather than to be conscious of their options, in order to make an informed decision. Whatever is going on in front of them, around them, or on their phone is ranked higher than turning in an assignment.
The good news is that teens can learn skills to improve. Yes, before the age of 25. Teens can learn to slow down the thought process and become aware of their spinning thoughts. These thoughts become choices, and teens can decide which option will benefit them.
The assignment they aren’t confident about? They will make a choice: work a little harder, ask for help, or turn it is as is.
Seeing the benefit of a job turned in, versus a missing assignment, builds pathways in the brain.
Then, they will be more confident and independent as they make daily decisions about their homework.
If you’re interested in chatting about this or any other questions contact me at [email protected]